Matthew Taylor

I thought the tough times of 2009 were behind me until Black Monday smacked me and sixty million other Brits square in the chops.

January 18th 2010 will go down in history as the day the American conglomerate Kraft greedily gobbled up all of Britain’s Curly Wirly’s, Flakes and Chocolate Buttons. Yes, Cadbury, the stalwart provider of Dairy Milk Chocolate in England since 1824 was yanked out by its roots and sold to the Americans for the sum of 19.4 billion dollars.
Speculations as to how this transaction will affect the people of Great Britain have been numerous, but all of them to this point have over looked the most obvious outcome.

I believe this deal is destined to reshape the identity of the British people and ultimately threaten the United States of America. The Brits have always been a proud race, one that is unlikely to take these current events lying down. So, I predict a massive boycott of all chocolate products offered under the new Kraft label costing the new chocolate overlords more than they paid for Cadbury in the first place.
That forces the question: how will the British people be affected from eating twenty thousand million dollars less chocolate per year?

A nation chronicled through the centuries for producing the world’s worst teeth is on the verge of experiencing a dramatic dental turnaround.

Britons have never known the confidence a sensationally straight pair of perfectly white teeth gives a person. This immense surge in the self-confidence of every British citizen will act as the catalyst for the dawning of the second British Empire.

Legion upon legion of strapping, toothy men will set forth from the British Isles in a quest to lay claim to all lands in the name of the crown. Fearlessly tens of thousands of the once dentally-shy will gaily charge into battle, smiling with the sun glinting off row upon row of perfectly white Cadbury free teeth blinding all enemies in their path.

Watch out Kraft the British are coming and their teeth rock.