Matthew Taylor

Paul sits on my patio; the late afternoon sun weaves its way through the trumpet vine.  A shaft of light hits the glass held in his right hand making the frozen margarita sparkle with temptation. He raises it to his lips, takes a refreshing sip, slowly lowers it and continues his boast. “It even says in the instructions that the plastic plug you have to punch out during installation can be left in the disposal.  It will be ground into nothingness when the beast is first unleashed.” I surmise that he has not purchased your average household waste deposal. It sounds as if under his kitchen sink he has installed the wood chipper from the movie Fargo. I find myself becoming strangely envious. He continues excitedly, “It’s one full horse power, this thing is … Read entire article »

  How can I take reality television seriously if the shows are edited? And if it’s real, why has nobody ever died on Survivor? … Read entire article »

  This morning I looked across at their house and an empty feeling filled my stomach. It’s not as if we spent a lot of time with them but they were always there. I knew them, I liked them, and I trusted them. Consistency maybe dull sometimes, but it sure is comforting. … Read entire article »

I hope the spokesman for BP whose duties includes apologies, is hoarse. … Read entire article »

When I walk down a busy sidewalk and bump into someone, invariably both of us apologize profusely to each other.  Yet when I drive on a busy road and have the slightest altercation with another driver, we swear at each other and exchange rude jesters. Maybe this was the whole premises behind medieval knights.  Encase someone in metal and they become mean. … Read entire article »

Yesterday my family and I sang a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday over the phone to my father who lives in Scotland.  He turned 80 years old.  The phone line must have acted as a semi-permeable membrane allowing some strange form of reverse osmosis to take place. This morning I awoke with a sore back, stiff joints and an eighty year-old outlook. … Read entire article »

The World Cup approaches. Come on America, let’s all get in the spirit and for one month call soccer: Football! … Read entire article »

How much oil could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck oil? To answer this question a woodchuck would have to be able to measure accurately the amount of oil it chucked.  I would be shocked if I discovered the woodchucks didn’t seem to have any idea how much oil they could chuck.  I might grow suspicious towards the secretive creatures that appear to prefer to keep me guessing as to their oil chucking prowess. For clarity I would encourage the setting up of a teeny weenie woodchuck camera to monitor the progress, only to find the oil chucking guesstimates vary wildly from woodchuck to woodchuck. This general uncertainty coupled with the unsavory nature of the task allows me to draw only one conclusion. Woodchucks are smart enough to have left … Read entire article »

When you say “Good Morning” to someone are you stating that your morning is good or enquiring if their morning is good? … Read entire article »

Surrounded by cake, juice, Disney paper products and several small screaming children I was approached by a friend at a recent party. “How are your delightful children?” she enquired. I replied, “Thanks for asking, they are well, great fun and very grounded.” She continued to gushing over my children, “That doesn’t surprise me that they are so grounded, you are such involved parents and your kids always exhibit such excellent manners.  They are always such good examples to these younger children.” I said thank you again and then proceeded to explain that my children weren’t at the party.  They had both been horribly bad and were grounded.  Very grounded. … Read entire article »